Please read the
Introduction and
Chapter 1 first.
CHAPTER 2
The Late, Great, Bacon Deception
Around 8, Marty hears a knock on his door and the voice on the other side yells, “HEEEEEEEEEEEERE’S JOHNNY!”
Marty: “DO YOU HAVE THE BACON?”
Johnny: “YES.”
Marty: “EXCELLENT! WOULD YOU LIKE A BEER?”
Johnny: “NO THANKS.”
Marty found Johnny’s reply to be suspicious but he opened the door anyhow. The frying began and Marty’s plan had worked. Marty had known all along that Hormel® Black Label® bacon was better than the store brand but he couldn’t bring himself to spend the extra couple bucks. Now he could eat like a king without having to spend like one. After the double blind taste test, Marty admitted that he was wrong about the superiority of the store brand and the two discussed what they should do next.
Johnny: “We could always carry out our plan to set Ablaze™ Lutheran Church Ablaze™.
Marty: “Ablaze™ Lutheran Church is no more. Didn’t your parents tell you what happened?
Johnny: “My parents haven’t been to church in years.”
Marty: “When the older people started dying off and the money stopped coming in, Pastor Freddy left and opened up a floral shop. The congregational demographics have changed quite a bit and they changed the name to Flaming™ Community Church.”
Johnny: “Are your parents still there?”
Marty: “No. Around the time of the name change they left and joined the Congregation of No Creed But Christ Non-Denominational Supporters of Israel™.”
Johnny: “What about you? Have you gone back to church at all?”
Marty: “Yeah, I’ve been going to Evangelical Catholic Orthodox Church of the 1580 Augsburg Confession.”
Johnny: “Wow! What kind of church is that?”
Marty: “It’s a Lutheran church.”
Johnny: “I thought we both agreed the Lutheran church was a silly place.”
Marty: “A guy at college told me about all these different podcasts on Pirate Christian Radio. I started listening to Issues Etc, The God Whisperers, and Tabletalk Radio. I started watching these Worldview Everlasting, and Lutheran Satire YouTube videos. Then I started reading some Hermann Sasse and Francis Pieper. All of Pastor Freddy’s attempts at being relevant were certainly ridiculous, but Pastor Freddy’s silliness didn’t really have anything to do with historic Lutheranism. How about you? Did you ever go back to church?”
Johnny: “You’re going to laugh, but I’m a Baptist now.”
Marty: “Making fun of someone for being a Baptist and having the last name Baptist is too obvious to be funny. Don’ you know me? Did I call you Barf when we were growing up? Anyhow, how did you end up becoming a Baptist?”
Johnny: “My roommate in college was a Baptist and we both started talking about our backgrounds and he showed me that there is no infant baptism in the Bible. He invited me to church with him and I ended up getting baptized there. Now, I’m a member of STRAIGHT AWAY Baptist Church. There’s so much more Bible study than there was at Ablaze™ and I’ve been studying theology more. I’ve been reading Augustus Strong, Thomas Schreiner, and Charles Ryrie.”
Marty: “It’s getting late but I think we should meet again to discuss these matters. Why don’t we start tomorrow night? I find it’s difficult sometimes to have a coherent conversation about these things. People want to jump all over the place but from what I remember of you, you’ll be up to the task. Tomorrow, let’s discuss the proper subjects of baptism.”
Johnny: “Okay, sounds good.”
Marty: “That is all.”
Johnny: “Good day!”
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